Men and Lust
Enormous!
So, how big is your.. sex drive!?
This page is written by a married Christian man, addressing a male secular mindset on sex.
Ask yourself, is your sex drive:
- High?
- Medium?
- Low?
Don't tell anyone, just think it to yourself. Then, looking back over the whole last year, ask yourself how satisfied are you with your sex life over that entire time:
- Very satisfied?
- Reasonably satisfied?
- Could be better?
Now I'd hazard a guess that most young men, and those who think they are still young, will say 'high', especially if they were to answer this out loud! And I'll also hazard a guess that they'll also think that things could be better. After all, if you've got a huge sex drive, then it's probably got spare capacity!
The reason for this expectation, is that most men we're told, have an almost ever present sex interest. Apparently, it's how we're designed. Sometimes with age, the drive can decline a bit, but the basic principle holds good I suspect. Forgive me if I simplify things, by saying that it's directed on the biological side, towards having sex with lots of different women.
The purpose in that sense, seems to be to 'spread your genes' as much as possible. And that in turn has lots to do with 'survival of the fittest'. Therefore, the drive looks not only for female perfection, but is also directed towards variety. Without that you might mate with fewer women! And because of that interest in variety, the most exciting experiences will tend to be those that contain the 'wow factor'.
The wow factor can be triggered by many things, but usually it boils down to just two:
- a woman, preferably with a "great body"
(this page doesn't address issues of homosexuality), and - what I'll call: 'the shock of the new'.
The last one of these requires something original, that you haven't encountered in quite the same arrangement before. People often overlook its significance, perhaps because when you start out, it's all new! And a less than perfect female body may seem more than attractive enough, at first. But then, after some time, you might want something more? It might be something physical that catches your eye, like a particular attribute is larger or smaller, it could even be a way of walking, or a way of being, of moving, or an unusual smile. It might even be a question of context: an unusual location, or occasion, or anything, so long as it's new, and linked in with the first bullet point.
Satisfaction
Of course the more you have, and the more variety you get, the more un-original it can all become. If that happens, then to find that shock of the new, you'll need to experiment more, try new approaches, new perspectives. That can seem quite an inviting prospect, there's a whole range of experience to discover!
"even those new aspects can, after some time lose their originality"
Yet assuming you have the drive and opportunity to indulge persistently, then even those new aspects can, after some time lose their originality. It's somewhere in this process of seeking fresh interest, that you can encounter a clash of ideals: those of a woman who seeks love, and those of a man who simply seeks sex, aside from love and complications.
I've known men complain that women confuse sex with love, that it's better to keep the two separate. I'm not sure what kind of exclusive loving relationship they'd want with a woman without sex!
Anyway, let's consider what happens if you were to manage to keep love out of your sex life: Suppose after a while, the woman you're with, who at first sent your pulse racing, no longer excites you that much. You've seen everything she has a hundred times, and frankly things could be better in some areas! Suppose that having spiced up your repertoire, and done those new things a hundred times over, relations are getting rather staid. If love has little to do with it, then there's no problem finding fresh stimulation by thinking about other women, while you're having sex with the one you're with. These might be women you've encountered, or seen on TV, or more effective still - in porn.
If your pursuit of satisfaction needn't be tied to a committed relationship, then you'll be free to try another woman, and another, and another.. Yet just as you became bored with the one, your nature is capable of becoming bored with them all. And whereas the new techniques injected interest with the first one, they won't amount to so much variety with the tenth.
"your sex drive is linked to your very persona"
At each stage that a given sexual partner or activity stops exciting you enough, your performance will decline, and the shock of the new will evade you with increasing, and possibly even sickening consistency. But your sex drive is linked to your very persona, having experienced so much excitement from it, you can't then just drop it because it no longer satisfies. So there can begin a deep frustration, one which can even warp how you relate to women - as it drives you onto the next stages of exploration for fresh stimulation.
Think I'm exaggerating? Look back at the above paragraphs and tell me that the man in the example isn't simply using women. At best you might claim it could be mutual exploitation, but that doesn't stop it being a commoditisation of human beings. I'm suggesting that in the worst extreme, with such an approach to sex, the thirst for fresh stimulation may drive a man towards explicit abuse of others. Unfortunately abusers are not uncommon. Ever wondered where they come from, how it happens? Of course there can be many reasons for someone becoming abusive. And this won't be the only avenue. But I think that what I've described above, can be a genuine dynamic in the male response. Taking love out of sex really can damage how you relate to women.
OK. I can hear the objections: that this way of looking at things is extreme. And so it is. I agree, OK. Most men don't end up as bored abusers. And I suggest that's because we don't pursue satisfaction so doggedly, doing whatever desire demands, in isolation of other considerations like love. Rather most men strike some kind of balance in all this. And of course opportunity and other activities in life play a part too.
The starting point to draw out of these extreme considerations, is that there's an inherent problem in pursuing sexual satisfaction in isolation of love. No matter how much energy you put into it, sex on its own, can never satisfy the human in you. Activities like viewing porn, promiscuity and using prostitutes, can all draw you further into this unsatisfying, but addictive pursuit of the wow factor. You don't have to take my word for it, there is now mounting evidence of the harm this can cause.
Yet it begs the question, what kind of balance should you aim to strike between seeking sexual pleasure and love? Is love just a balancing force, there to reign in your un-abandoned pleasure? If that's how you look at it, the different aspects of your life will always be pulling in different directions. And you'll be missing out on so much that the Christian view of married love has to offer: a way of combining love and sex in a constructive way that makes both aspects better.
A fresh approach
The astute among you will have noted, that none of the above had much to do with faithfulness in marriage and keeping one partner for life.
"the key to sexual satisfaction is not in the taking, but in the giving"
The Church teaches that the key to sexual satisfaction is not in the taking, but in the giving. It's not in the variety, but in commitment. The reason for this is that we are complex and layered beings: integrating physical and spiritual natures. In life, these natures are inseparable. Our sexuality is linked to our very core, it needs to be to ensure the species survival. It comprises one of the most powerful drives we have, and it impacts our entire being. Biologists and behavioural psychologists, and other sexual researchers, don't always take adequate account of the fully layered nature of a human person.
"A God-guided soul will have positive uses for the sexual body, and can raise it to an expression of love"
We cannot gain satisfaction by developing the physical aspect without doing it in a way that augments the other aspects. Our spirit aspires to the highest love. If it's in control, then the rest can function well. A God-guided soul will have positive uses for the sexual body, and can raise it to an expression of love. The body on the other hand, if left in control, will simply drag the spirit down to seeking self-satisfaction. This kind of selfishness is the opposite of love. I've tried to show above, that such self-seeking activity can ultimately satisfy neither the body nor the spirit. Aiming for something in between, is mere mediocrity. Aiming high is the only way to win!
All of this can sound complicated, so let me put it simply. I'm not talking about denying your desire, but about getting it in context: putting it at the service of genuine love.
Learning balance - command and control
In a genuine giving of self, a man must control his sex drive, to be the master of himself. Someone who can't wait because things feel exciting isn't a man - that's a childlike response. A boy must learn to be a man, and he can't do that by simply becoming sexually active. Young men are in a hurry to grow up, but often easy indulgence just leads to never growing up at all (in this regard that is).
The sex drive is a kind of inner hunger. If we look at it as food-hunger then a strong appetite is not going to go away just because you constantly eat. If you eat a lot, your capacity to hold food increases. So next time you're hungry you'll indulge more, and eventually, you'll get obese! By saying no to food at times, eating sensibly and in moderation, you learn to control your appetite. You won't stop enjoying food if you do this. You might even enjoy it more.
But sex is not food. You must eat to live, whereas a lack of sex won't kill you, even if it feels like it might! Saying no to sexual activity while you are growing up, and later before you marry, is the best way to gain control: to become a real man. There's more to this than meets the eye. Because of the almost ever present male instinct for sex, this translates into serious training. A 'fully trained' man, is then able to enjoy giving sex rather than just taking it. But it can take a lifetime to really learn this well.
It can take so long because the strong instinct in sex, is to take, to have, to consume. But to make love well you need to give instead. Giving is something more than just patience and consideration for your wife, taking care that she has an orgasm too. That alone can sometimes take a lot of self-control. But the kind of giving we're talking about here is much more.
Love is a state of mind that aims beyond the other person's satisfaction, looking for their fulfilment. Their physical, emotional, and spiritual fulfilment. It welcomes the whole person, with deep respect, in health and in sickness, in youth and old age. In such a complete exchange of the gift of the couple, to one another, there can be no question of exchanging a partner for a new model. Or for that matter, of excluding their natural fertility from the love-making.
This may sound idealistic, but if some of it doesn't sound very sexually arousing, then you've spotted the bit that takes so much learning. If in trying not to take, you turn the instincts of arousal off, then you won't perform sexually. The trick to learn, is to turn your instinct around, from taking to complete self-giving, in a way that sustains arousal. It's worth the effort though, if it's going to do away with sexual disappointment, or frustration.
"Attraction is not to be denied, rather to be put at the service of a self-giving love"
Please don't misunderstand this turning around. Attraction is not to be denied, rather to be expanded, by putting it at the service of a self-giving love. A sacrificial love in fact, that receives but does not demand satisfaction. The idea is to enjoy not just your wife's body, but a full encounter of your entire person, with the complete person that is your wife. This complete exchange of persons requires complete openness. Whereas an attitude that takes, (a lustful attitude) is by nature closed. The hand that grasps, closes. The hand that gives is open.
It's doubly worth the effort though, if it means your love making can give lasting satisfaction and more, a sense of joy and deep contentment to you both.
Yet all this can seem far from reach, if your formation was a collection of self-pleasing experiences. In a world where sex is sold as a self-pleasing commodity, this means almost all of us will struggle. But hey, lots of things that are worth having, involve a bit of struggle. And this struggle can be a lot of fun for a married couple. After all, practise makes perfect! And before marriage, the challenge of holding back in anticipation of your wife, can be an adventure of preparation and growth, as you face off against the attitudes of a promiscuous culture.
Just to recap: Self control, is the start. The best way to learn that in my estimation, is by avoiding sexual activity before you marry. The difficult task of turning your desire towards giving, must continue once you're married. It would be impossible to do this in a relationship that lacks the total commitment, union and exchange of the gift of selves that forms the marriage vows. Any such attempt at total self-giving, without a lifelong commitment, would be a sham. Likewise without the acceptance of the life-giving aspect of your respective fertile natures, whether fertility is actually present or not. Here you have one of the differences between a marriage of one man to one woman, and all other sexual relationships.
Up close
It's also a fact, that the more people we give ourselves to sexually, the more thinly we spread our 'intimacy'. Intimacy is another word for 'one-to-one'. The starting idea is that getting as close as you can to a woman, can feel pretty good. But the idea gets better if you add in total trust, total belonging together, complete co-operation and support. It means that anyone dealing with one of you, really deals with the two of you. United in this way you will be much stronger than on your own.
Such closeness requires many things, including time. At the physical level it particularly requires some exclusivity.
"Real intimacy is about a couple belonging together"
Most people will agree, that if you're having sex, you don't want someone else coming into the room to change the light-bulb! But I'm talking about more than momentary privacy. Real intimacy is about a sense of a couple belonging together. Yet being intimate with one person, and then another and then another, can only seem to work, if you have no memory. If you can remember the others, then your intimacy will be impaired.
If you don't want to take note of the logic here, then consider if you've had more than one partner, can you honestly say to yourself, that you never made comparisons between them? 'B' is better than 'A' in one way, but 'A' had something that 'B' lacks.. etc.
This can be a problem if you ever end up aiming for marriage. Yet then you'll have to face this: if in your love-making you're thinking someone else was better than the one you're with, how complete is your self-giving? The best love-making requires that you give your wife your full appreciation! Your earlier partners might not be there in the room with you, but if they're in your memory, and in your sexual repertoire of expectations and delectations, then your intimacy with your wife will be impaired.
This is one of the reasons, why the Church values virginity before marriage so highly. Virginity is the best preparation, for a satisfying intimate relationship in marriage. Seen this way, virginity isn't an inadequacy. Rather it calls for a positive decision to save sex, for the sake of a better future marriage. And of course, saying no to sex these days, requires strong character! True, it might seem at times, like everyone else is 'doing it'. But once you know what that means for your future, why would you go with the flow? That kind of knowing conformity is for wimps, real men stand up for their marriages. Just don't make things difficult for yourself by thinking you have to test your resolve - avoid situations of blatant temptation.
Of course many people console themselves with the idea of finding a marriage-partner with a similar past-life to theirs. That way, they can at least feel 'matched' to one another. And that can be true, but it still doesn't get over the memory and learning problems above. Thankfully, God provides ways for people to start over.
Never give in
Starting over is really like starting out the right way to begin with. Don't sleep around, in fact don't have sex (any of any kind) until you marry. Waiting won't kill you, and then after the wait, your self-control will be greater, and the giving will be better, fuller. This kind of starting over, can't change the fact you gave away your virginity before marriage, but it can help you rebuild a similar state of heart.
"learn to look upon the beauty of the body, as a gift from God: with a purpose full of dignity"
This rebuilding can be a real struggle. The best way to help yourself, is to learn to look upon women's sexuality, including the beauty of the body, as a gift from God: with a purpose full of dignity. The dignity of the gift of (her) self. A gift in the context of committed love and an exclusive relationship. A dignity based on more than a woman's own humanity, but upon God's design for a couple to love one another. A dignity including God's design for fertility and nurturing motherhood.
Learn to associate all of this, with a respect on your part, for fatherhood in general. And for the fertile potential of your own sexuality in particular. Regard women's sexuality with respect, don't look upon them lustfully (Matthew 5:28), or dwell on such thoughts. Don't make excuses, like assuming that your wife will fill the space of all your current lustful interests. However, great she is, there'll always be other women to catch your eye!
It's never too soon to learn self-control and respect for women. And whenever you fail, as you likely will in this struggle over your way of thinking, don't go on a guilt trip. Simply acknowledge why you went wrong. Say sorry to God, offer up any sense of failing, and ask His help to start over again. Hey, imagine yourself saying a private 'sorry' to your future wife too - when you marry, you might have to do it for real!
Seriously thought, whilst honest reflection is vital, guilt trips don't help in this matter. Strength of character helps you face off against a promiscuous culture, but you don't improve self-control by strength alone. Sure, sometimes you have to 'just say no', but that won't train your subconscious mind. Remember, in this battle, you're fighting with yourself, your desire will always be as strong as you are. You can't conquer yourself, because you're never stronger than yourself.
"Rather than fight, you need to gradually train your reactions"
Instead, you need to approach the task subtly. Rather than fight, you need to gradually train your reactions. This gradual learning will result in powerful self-control. Just don't expect the gradual process to be be smooth! Sometimes there'll be small setbacks, sometimes large ones. The trick is to keep learning from each failing: taking note in your mind of what happened, and readjusting your attitude and thoughts, so next time you handle it better. And the same is true for your actions, particularly with masturbation. Most people don't stop that just by being strong, but by gradually learning self-control. As always, prayer for forgiveness and the grace of God in this will help, but God will expect you to do your part. The purpose of a sense of guilt, is to keep you to the task of readjustment and asking God's help.
If you're Catholic then great, you can receive the sacrament of reconciliation at regular intervals. This really cleanses your connection to Christ. But guilt of sin, and habit, are two different things. God may forgive, and you may forgive yourself too, but the more times you give in to sin without a corrective reaction, the more difficult it can all get. The corrective reaction or thought is vital, without it you learn the bad habit, not the good one! So always try your best to succeed. Still, God's gifts of healing run deep, so never despair.
Whenever temptation comes, pray to God for help and strength to resist. To be honest, I think you'll find it much more difficult to give in to temptation, if you make the sign of the cross as you're tempted. If severe temptation comes your way in public, then make the sign in public as you pray: that'll work twice as well - not because it gets you more points, but because if you do that, then you know you mean it!
"Sex isn't rocket science"
If you're already living together, then much of the same applies. Of course I'm assuming you both agree about it. Talk it over. Don't sleep together. It may help to live apart for some time until you marry. Shocking words I know, but the honeymoon will be better for it, and so will your relationship. You don't need to try each other out beforehand. Sex isn't rocket science and you'll have all of your life together to work out how to please one another. Relax and thank God for creating such a wonderful woman that you're in love with, curves and all! Then set about the hard but subtle work explained above.
If you're Catholic and in a relationship that can't lead to a Church marriage, then pray about it and be honest with God and yourself in your prayers. God can't help you out if your life is a closed book to Him. Be careful about jumping to your own quick-fix solutions. Find a good priest and get help and direction. Keep revisiting where things are going.
If you're already married and struggling with the one-to-one aspects, then the path to self discipline may be less obvious. In that case don't expect results overnight. Talk things over with God and with your wife. Explore with her how to make your giving more considerate and timely. Explore with God how to deal with temptations. Ask Him to help you see and love your wife as the person she is, and not as some dazzling, ever changing, perfect-physical-object for your consumption. Pray for the gift of discovering attraction through the love of a woman more than through lust. An attraction that is deep and lasting. One that falls for the complete woman she really is.
"Ask His help. ..God's got all the manuals"
The sacrament of reconciliation (or confession as it's known) allows you to start over in the best way, even many times if that's what it takes. Ask God to let you know, how to put all the attractions you feel into the proper context. Ask His help. Nobody gets it right all at once, this is something that becomes a life's work. God's got all the manuals, and He cares to give you the supernatural gift of grace, for you to pull this off to perfection.
The effort is worthwhile. Without it lies the path of luck and chance, dropping you somewhere between the extremes of muddling through life on the one hand, and a decline into selfishness and abuse on the other.
True manhood
With the right effort and with the help of God's grace, lies true manhood: honest respect for your (/future) wife, deep love without limits for her, and an attraction that makes you able to really give!
You'd expect other men to respect your wife. You'd even demand it. Perhaps then it's time to demand it from yourself too? And that means respecting other women's sexuality, they are after all the (/future) wives of other men, like you.
True manhood is you, as an image of God Himself, who is Love. And part of that, is about you becoming the best lover you could be. Do you doubt that God wants to help you reach your potential as a lover?
Don't doubt it! 'You.. the best lover you could be', is His idea, His ideal, His dream and His determined ambition!
..Unless of course you have a calling to 'the religious life', but then that's just a variation on the same theme. It does however call for another page.. when I get round to it!
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